Thoughts on Heaven [updated]

As I miss my Mother and continue to grieve our loss, I have had two main ideas on my mind lately.

Strangely, I have been thinking a lot about heaven. This is a tricky topic because, of course, we don't really know anything about heaven. So everything I am thinking is speculation; nonetheless, it is changing my every day perspective. And actually, I would say heaven is something worth speculating on, maybe even necessary. My imagination is taking over and my mind explores different possibilities of what heaven will be like. I read G.K. Chesterton's book Orthodoxy a few months ago and he has an absolutely mind blowing chapter entitled "The Ethics of Elfland". He talks about creativity, imagination, fantasy, fairy tales etc. Here is one excerpt I like:

My first and last philosophy, that which I believe in with unbroken certainty, I learnt in the nursery. I generally learnt it from a nurse; that is, from the solemn and star-appointed priestess at one of democracy and tradition. The things I believed most then, the things I believe the most now, are the things called fairy tales. They seem to me to be the entirely reasonable things. They are not fantasies: compared with them other things are fantastic. Compared with them religion and rationalism are both abnormal, though religion is abnormally right and rationalism abnormally wrong. Fairyland is nothing but the sunny country of common sense. It is not earth that judges heaven, but heaven that judges earth; so for me at least it was not earth that criticised elfland, but elfland that criticised earth. I knew the magic beanstalk before I had tasted beans; I was sure of the Man in the Moon before I was certain of the Moon"

It is easy to think of heaven as fantastical or unreal, but truly it is entirely reasonable just like G.K. Chesterton suggests of fairy tales. It makes sense that there is a heaven, it is a part of Christian belief. It is, however, somewhat difficult to even think about since we know so little about what God has in store for us in the afterlife. After all, who ever could have imagined some of the reality of the life we live in now!

Or I love this one too:

"A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence of life. Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. The repetition of Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore."

Again, God made Nature so wonderful and each person so unique, really, we can only imagine what heaven will be like! I would not say that I want to go to heaven now; but I would say that when the time is right I will be excited to see what heaven is like. I do not fear dying or the afterlife. I have also often think of C.S. Lewis's "Till We Have Faces" which is the Greek myth of Cupid and Psyche retold. The village sacrifices Psyche to save itself but she actually is taken by the faceless 'God' to live in the mystical mountains and be his 'wife'. The main character, Orual, goes to find her beloved sister, Pysche, in the mountains. When Orual does, in fact, find Psyche in the mountains happily 'married', she cannot understand her new life (heaven). Orual is engulfed in her selfish love for Psyche and cannot let her loved one go.

It all is quite mysterious. Although these quotes and books may sound existential, they are not. As scripture says, we must keep our eyes on the goal and persevere. And that brings me to the second point I have been contemplating. I have a lot of work to do here on earth. Most of it will probably never be publicly recognized. But the important thing is that I seek God's will and try my best to always serve him. Augustine said in his "Grace and Freewill" that we all are suppose to be on the road to sainthood. That means I am suppose to be perfect! And since I am fallen, I cannot do that without God's grace and continually asking him for help. Hopefully that attempt to be holy will bring me to heaven someday, to live forever with the Lord. I think of how much I love my two children and how I only want the best for them. How much more God loves us and wants the best for us.

Mom, I ask that wherever you are, you intercede for us here on earth!

===============================
updated by Mike...


I recommend the book: Everything You Wanted to Know About Heaven (but never dreamed to ask) by Peter Kreeft. We actually own this... I'll recommend it to Cynthia!

Teresa of Avila

This past week I have been spending nights with my Mom while my Dad works security at the State Fair. Mom is doing well although everyday has its own 'twist' if you will. We do not know what the Lord is up to, but we continue to pray that the Lord's will be done and that she is healed.

Mom and I watched a movie series on Teresa of Avila which is about 9 hours. She endured tremendous suffering and was truly an unbelievable woman. It is refreshing to learn about the saints; they are men and women of character who choose to give everything to God, and he uses them in miraculous ways. They are not 'perfect' people by any means, but they are fortified in their faith and have a courage that is sometimes hard to believe. Teresa lived during the 16th century in Spain and was a controversial figure; people either loved or hated her. She definitely had an edge to her and had a will of steal. Lord, use our own gifts to always glorify your name.

The Mighty Mississippi

I love that we live a few blocks away from the River. It is easy to take for granted how much we use it to enjoy picnics, walks, bike rides, and seeing how the river reflects the grandeur of the different seasons. Last night we took our dinner down to Hidden Falls and then Dad showed Faustina how to skip stones. She needs a lot of practice.

Jude works wonders

For some reason, the cameras do not often get a smile out of Uncle Travis....but Jude got one out of him!

Part II: birthing the placenta

So the birth of Jude was perfect; the birth of my placenta, however, was a bit more complicated. It did not want to come out. I was not having contractions and a few shots of Pitocin (birth/contraction inducer) did nothing to help.

The midwives decided it was best to go into the hospital. We called an ambulance because I was a bit 'messy' as you can imagine. It, actually, was quite comical. The ambulance arrived in a hurry and I simply walked outside to get in and they wondered "Where is the lady who gave birth?" I replied, "Here I am." They were a bit shocked because I was totally normal and perhaps even a bit annoyed at having to go to the hospital. Mike got in with me and we headed over to United. We chatted with the emergency guys along the way.




The three midwives and my Mom packed up Jude and headed over to the hospital in cars and met us there. It was turning into a mini adventure.

Well, the rest of the afternoon was quite busy. The doctors quickly determined that my placenta was not going to come out on its own - I would have to have it surgically removed. I am not going to lie, I had more pain when the docs were trying to get the placenta out than when I was in labor! The doctors had to manually remove it; no cutting etc. was done - thank God.

Surgery went fine and around 3pm I was done with everything and in recovery mode. We stayed at the hospital for the next 2 days since I had lost a significant amount of blood in the process. We are thankful that the Lord was watching over us as there was some danger involved, albeit somewhat routine.

I must say, I would not change anything at all about the entire experience... except the placenta problem, of course. I am bummed that I won't be able to have another homebirth. There is a 90% chance that the placenta would not naturally extract from the uteran wall again, so to be safe we will have all the rest of our babies in the hospital. At the same time, the Lord was SO present in everything and for that I am grateful. There certainly were moments that were more scary (I lost a bit of blood), but in those times there was a special grace present. Even going to the hospital, I was able to be lighthearted, have patience with doc/nurses, and I was able to trust in God's providence the whole time. Thank you Lord for a healthy baby and your protection over the entire experience!

A quick 15 months

August is practically here and mentally I feel the need to be prepared for baby number two's arrival. I am excited and have been thinking a lot about what life will soon look like. Actually, I feel like baby number two is already 'here' in a sense because my body is very heavy with him/her and my every action is affected.

Faustina and the new baby will be very close in age - only 15 months apart. We were at a couple's house for dinner last week and they also had their first two children very close in age. They made the comment that we won't even remember life with only Faustina around. It has been such a short time with only Faustina and as time goes on the two kids will just always be together and share so many memories and experiences. In one sense I can completely understand that line of thinking; Faustina was only 6 months old when I found out we were blessed with baby #2.

But then again, it has been so much fun and so special to be able to care for Faustina for the past 15 months that I think I will always remember this past year uniquely. It is SO fun to be a parent for the first time. Everything is new and exciting. We are young and admittedly naive in many regards. The more kids a couple has, obviously more responsibility and time is required; with the first child there is still an element of independence and freedom. There are 2 people to take care of 1 child.

As I reflect on this last year, a LOT has happened! My 'year' always revolves around a school year. My father was a teacher, I have been in school myself for most my life as either a student or a teacher myself, and of course Mike is a teacher. Well, the next school year is starting here pretty soon and this new school year includes a new baby!

Here are a few of the things that have happened in our life this past year with Faustina:

- Faustina was born and I was a stay at home mother (and I absolutely love love love it!)

- I cared for little Isaac and then 2 more little ones as the year went on, Ella and Aidrich

- Mike learned a great deal from his Catholic studies courses at St. Thomas. Many nights he would come home from class (especially in the fall)and reiterate his fascinating classes to me and I learned a lot too! Of course, working at Trinity always stimulates the mind and involves intriguing conversations about education as well.

- This was the first year neither Mike or myself have been involved in either coaching or playing soccer!

- During February we learned that Grandma Lee's cancer was back. This has launched my parents and, in turn, me into a new world of learning about food and health. The Lord is good and he is at work in my mother's life.

- Mike went to Peru for 2 weeks

- Mike moved on from Trinity and he has a new position at St. Agnes

- We took a terrific 10 day trip to Michigan to visit Mike's family and were able to camp with Faustina for the first time

- And then there are all the memories of seeing Faustina grow into the lovely little girl she is. These moments are captured in pictures, but perhaps more vivid in Mike and my minds!

Mike and I were asked to be on a 'panel' at an engagement retreat this past weekend. And it was fun to reflect on where we were three years ago as we prepared for marriage and then to think of where we are now. Marriage is so wonderful - I love it! And having kids is....well, it is hard to capture in words and is really just something one has to experience because it is such an incredible blessing from the Lord!

What I love

Especially on a clean table.

Not 'too much' anymore

Right now we have a 5 foot crucifix against the wall in our basement. This absolutely beautiful crucifix has been in and out of our house over the years and will eventually go back to the Catholic Studies Department at St. Thomas. It is a large piece of art and can easily become a conversation piece when someone sees it in our small little house. People asked, "What are you going to do with it?", someone joked, "You should put it above your bed!", someone exclaimed, "That is huge!".

I am growing a special attachment to this crucifix. When Mike was gone and I was unable to go to our midnight hour of adoration, I made a mini little 'chapel' in our basement as I set up a kneeler in front of this crucifix. Years ago, maybe even one year ago, I would have said or thought, "Come on. This is too much. I don't need to kneel in front of a cross to pray. God is everywhere. This is overboard, too pious, too extreme. This is a bit silly for me to kneel in front of a 5 foot tall crucifix - it is almost bigger than me!"

Well, my thinking has changed. Images are important. Art is important. There is a grace present in these icons. Praying before this crucifix gives me the humble image of Jesus on the cross dying for my sins. He is real - here is his presence. When Mike and I were married, I was hesitant to let him decorate our house with icons, Catholic symbols, and other such religious art; now I love it. I realized that I was being a Christian...but I shyed away from a Christian culture. And this is a key realization for me: one ought not try to separate Christianity from culture. We are a Christian family, so naturally our house will reflect who we are and what we hold important. Of course we want visuals on our walls of the Lord, Mary, and the saints to be reminders for us to live good and holy lives as we strive for the kingdom of heaven.

I love going to the Cathedral because I sit in Church and marvel at the beautiful artwork and can say "Yes, this is who we are. This is a little taste of heaven.". I had the same feeling when I lived in Rome for a semester and visited the churches there. They truly have culture.

Sweet Sixteen

It is hard to believe that Kim turned 16 on Thursday. But alas, she has finished her freshmen year of highschool, has her driving permit, and most everything about her says 'I am a teenager' - in a good way, of course! ;)

Last night Annamarie and I took her to the cosmetic store Bare Escentuals at the Mall of America. This stuff is the cream of the crop when it comes to make-up. Krissa, Annamarie's sister, accompanied us to guide Kim through a make-over (since Annamarie and I are definitely not experts in that arena). Revelations were had as the make-up artists, who were pretty funny, told us their own stories about make-up and how we can help our skin. Kim got done up and we purchased some items for her to take home. The second picture shows Kim holding up her right hand swearing she will never use Neutrogenia facial wash/lotion again since the professionals informed us that it is basically like putting clorox on your face....well, not quite, but close.

Afterward we went to Cold Stone Creamery to indulge our sweet tooth and enjoyed each others' company. It was a fun evening and we all agreed we would have to do it again. Happy Birthday Kim!

Lots of Lettuce [UPDATED]

Mike took several pictures of my meal this evening because he simply cannot believe how enormous I make my salads. He made sure to put a glass next to the plate for relativity purposes. ;) What can I say. I really, really enjoy salads. I go to Sam's Club and get one big bin of organic mixed springs and one of the organic spinach; they last me about 1 week or so. Mike's eyes almost pop out of his head when he looks at how big they are. He says it would take him hours and hours simply to chew up all the lettuce that I devour in about 15 minutes. You have nothing to lose because you can put whatever you like in them and it tastes fantastic. This particular salad has red peppers, onion, walnuts, crasins, apple, cheese, tomatoe, and tuna. And, probably the best of all - they are healthy! Really a win-win situation.

======================

I would just like to say that overeating is NOT healthy! Kidding. It is a lot of lettuce though!
-Mike

A quiet, unique time

In the past few months I have often found myself sitting back and thinking, "Wow, I am SO lucky to be able to stay home with Faustina! I have the best 'job' in the world!" And then another thought immediately follows with a bit of guilt, "Am I doing enough? What else would the Lord have me do?" I enjoy perusing other mothers' blogs; many of these mothers are devout Christians with families, some have jobs, a full plate and they just are always busy and so productive! I am inspired and in awe of all that these women do. I try to keep our small house organized and somewhat clean and even this is a difficult task for me at times!

Over the past few months, I know the Lord has been telling me to simply enjoy this time when the kids (I'm also caring for another little one) are young. My job is to love them up, satisfy their needs, and to absorb this special time of having babies around and acknowledging that I DO have more quiet time around the house and to enjoy that!The kids will get older, life will get busier, discipline and training will need to start, kids will have school, God willing Faustina will have siblings, and there never will be a time again quite like this. There are times when Mike and I can literally sit around for hours and just enjoy each others' company and hang out with Faustina. What a blessing!

The Lord has also put it on my heart to spend more time in prayer since I do have a great deal of quiet time during the day. And that truly is 'doing' something. Praying for people, saying the rosary, reading about the saints, learning new prayers to memorize, reading the Bible, listening to spiritual talks; these are all activities that people often say they just don't have time for in their busy lives. Well, staying at home with a 7 month old gives me time to do those things. People need prayer; I and my family need to be strengthened in the Lord to prepare us to do his will. I pray that even when life is more busy I still have grace to make this a daily priority!

St. Augustine 1,700 years later!?

Last night Mike, Faustina and I had a long car ride so I popped in one of the 'Lighthouse Catholic Media' cd's that we get in the mail each month. I have come to look forward to seeing who the speaker is and listening to the talk; often I view the time as a mini little retreat. The speakers are people like Mother Teresa, Father Corapi, Scott Hahn, Jeff Cavins, and other inspiring, bright individuals.

The title of this cd is 'The Power of a Mother's Prayer' by Father Isaac Reylea. This guy was absolutely unbelievable. He was Rocky Balboa from Philly with the deep voice, the slur, the lingo, everything was Sylvester Stallone's character from the Rocky series. Not only did he sound like Rocky, but he also had a similar life. He was a street fighter; he was a 'good' person, but he quickly earned the reputation of someone you did not want to mess with. From the cd he seemed to be a person you just had to like, a regular guy with quite an amazing testimony.

He grew up in a Catholic family with 5 siblings, his father who only converted to Catholicism at the end of his life died when Isaac was 20, and his mother who was the rock of his life was incredibly devoted to the Church and to Mary. Isaac was an altar boy, prayed the rosary every evening with his family, went to daily mass with his mother, and at the age of 5 the Lord planted a seed of desire in him to be a priest.

Well, similar to St. Augustine, Isaac spent the next 17 years saying 'no' to God. He was very successful in the (shady) business world, he was a well-known street fighter, he almost became part of the mafia (the only thing that kept him away was the thought of disgracing his mother), he loved women, he was a very popular man with everything going for him. But above all, he had a deep love for his mom. He took her out to eat, to her to plays, visited her often and was able to conceal his more shameful deeds from her and the rest of the family.

When he was 25 years old his mother had him over for dinner along with an older woman Barbara who was a mystic. At the end of the meal Isaac's mother begged him to let Barbara pray over him. Thoroughly annoyed, Isaac gave in and told the woman to make it quick. Well, this mystic revealed things about Isaac's childhood that absolutely no one but he could possibly know. Barbara's insights had him shaking in his chair but he was able to keep his cool front. At the end Barbara said she had a message from God: God wanted Isaac to be his priest. Isaac's response was "Tell God to forget it. And you are a sick lady."

Five years later, God moved in Isaac's life and he surrendered. A man witnessed to him at work and invited him to a "Life in the Spirit" meeting. It took Isaac awhile, but the Lord slowly wooed him. He gave up his worldly life, instead of holding a supervisor position he was down the ranks (since previously his hands were in dirty business), he started going to prayer meetings, and his life turned around. After his first prayer meeting he went to his Mom's house in the middle of the night. Then he stayed up all night praying and reading the Bible. At one point he went to Fatima and was discerning the vocation of priesthood. He asked for very clear signs. For the next three days, while he was dressed in lay people's clothes the whole time, dozens of people kept coming up to him and assumed he was a priest asking him questions, asking him if he could hear their Confession! He was amazed. Isaac told Mary he would apply to the priesthood; at the same time he was not worried about having to become a priest because he was sure he would not be accepted due to his sinful past. Well, of course, he was accepted. He tracked down the mystic Barbara and she said she had been waiting for his phone call. She didn't know how many years it would take, but she was expecting to hear from him.

The second half of his testimony was about the faithfulness of his mother. When Isaac told his mother, Anne, that he was becoming a priest she told him that she had consecrated him to the Blessed Virgin Mary when he was in her womb. His mother became ill and she suffered terribly for 6 years in and out of the hospital. But she continued to be a witness as she constantly had a rosary in her hand and befriended hospital staff. She continued to pray for her other children and she told Isaac that this was her call: To suffer for the sake of others' souls. She told her son that she prayed everyday to do the Lord's will, not her own. Toward the end, she was unable to pray and was deeply saddened, but Isaac reminded her that she was now on the cross like Christ, and that was the greatest prayer of all. In her suffering, like Christ's, she would witness to her family and she was suffering for their sake.

Father Isaac ended his talk with the message that we all need to pray incessantly and as Christians we need to be willing to suffer for others. He admonished to never give up praying for others who we care about, no matter how they have fallen from grace or faith (he and his mother, like St. Augustine and his mother, Monica, are great witnesses of this); he reminded listeners Mary's message to St. Lucia at Fatima: that people go to hell because there is not one to pray for them. We need to consecrate ourselves to the immaculate heart of Mary and offer ourselves up for others in the imitation of Christ, our Lord and Savior.

It was a wonderful story. You have to hear him for yourself because he tells it very well.

Check it out.

Here's a link to his Lent retreats (audio).

Christmas Eve Morning

New Traditions began with Faustina's first Christmas. We decorated the tree on Wednesday morning, ate the absolute BEST polish sausage from Michigan that Mike's relatives sent us and we luckily received on the 24th, Faustina opened a couple of her presents and we spent the morning enjoying each other.

Grandma All Loaded Up

A few nights ago I all of sudden became violently ill. Grandma and Grandpa came to the rescue and not only did Grandma come over to help for awhile, but she took Faustina HOME with her for the evening which was a lifesaver!

Well, at one point Grandma was going to change Faustina's diaper. I told her they were downstairs drying. For a moment I contemplated vocalizing that she only needed to bring one diaper up (there were about 18 down there), but I figured that was probably obvious. Also, Grandma loves the little babies so much that she often is holding them no matter what she is doing. Well, moments after Grandma went downstairs to get the diaper, I hear her laughing uncontrollably coming up the stairs. She comes around the corner and here Grandma has all the diapers piled on her arms and Faustina hanging on for dear life! It was very amusing. Faustina was not fazed in the least, but she did have a look on her face like, "What are you doing Grandma??".

This situation may give Mike a little bit of insight as to why I do things the way I do sometimes - We Lees can tend to be women of extremes!

Remembering 9/11

A few days after Tuesday, September 11th 2001, Father Franklin McAffey honored those who died in the towers and he mourned with family and friends. He said the following at a church service:

I cannot explain the madness that took place on Tuesday, for what we saw with our own eyes was the face of evil. And evil cannot logically be explained because as those of you who are steeped in the philosophy of Saint Thomas Aquinas know evil, malum, is nil, it is nothing since God is existence itself. God told Moses, "I Am Who Am". Thus, evil would be nonbeing, nothingness; and to confront nothingness is to come face to face with unspeakable horror. We can, however, understand how people would be compelled to murder with enthusiasm so many people. A terrorist is not born, terrorists are made with every conscious decision they make every day to hate, to choose death rather than life.

St. John in his first epistle answers the common question 'how can anyone do something like that?' He says that anyone who hates his brother is in darkness, he walks in darkness and he has no idea where he is going because the darkness has made him blind...We are speaking of an enormity of hate and evil here for these were evil acts. But evil is not something, evil is someone, Satan. St. Paul warns us in his letter to the Ephesians, "We are not contending against flesh and blood, brothers, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world rulers of the present darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness." Satan has best been described by a mystic. She said "He in whom there is no love. He in whom there is no love at all, not a drop of love, he in whom there is absolute hate, darkness, nothing." Scripture calls him the Father of lies, he is the cause of division, hate, rebellion.

God bless the family and friends of those who died this day 7 years ago. And may God bless our country during this election year!