The Rule sheets

My dear husband is a designer at heart. This is one of the things I love about him and I didn't even know it until after we married!

So, he put together the new Rule Sheets for Faustina and Jude. We have been having some 'special' times (mainly) with our eldest - the black and white lines had to be drawn. Faustina loves looking at her 'responsibility' sheet and we read it every morning to remind us of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

It has helped quite a bit. There still have been many tantrums, but we now have clear rules and clear consequences. I actually have taken out some parenting books that were given to me years ago but I have yet to crack them open. I am amazed at how children have such a sense of justice. Faustina is accepting of her punishments even though she may not like them. She even has thanked me for punishing her!

I am quite confident that this is only a phase our young daughter is going through. It may be a long phase, but I trust it will be conquered as she matures. Unfortunately, both Mike and I clearly recall being very (and me especially very ) difficult for our parents at times. She is only three years old, I must remind myself and she is growing at a rapid rate. After 2 different highly explosive tantrums this week, she took 4 hour naps.

Her strong will, determination, her perseverance are all good qualities, they simply need to be trained and channeled!

Oh, what an opportunity for us all to grow in virtue - especially parents!

A quick 15 months

August is practically here and mentally I feel the need to be prepared for baby number two's arrival. I am excited and have been thinking a lot about what life will soon look like. Actually, I feel like baby number two is already 'here' in a sense because my body is very heavy with him/her and my every action is affected.

Faustina and the new baby will be very close in age - only 15 months apart. We were at a couple's house for dinner last week and they also had their first two children very close in age. They made the comment that we won't even remember life with only Faustina around. It has been such a short time with only Faustina and as time goes on the two kids will just always be together and share so many memories and experiences. In one sense I can completely understand that line of thinking; Faustina was only 6 months old when I found out we were blessed with baby #2.

But then again, it has been so much fun and so special to be able to care for Faustina for the past 15 months that I think I will always remember this past year uniquely. It is SO fun to be a parent for the first time. Everything is new and exciting. We are young and admittedly naive in many regards. The more kids a couple has, obviously more responsibility and time is required; with the first child there is still an element of independence and freedom. There are 2 people to take care of 1 child.

As I reflect on this last year, a LOT has happened! My 'year' always revolves around a school year. My father was a teacher, I have been in school myself for most my life as either a student or a teacher myself, and of course Mike is a teacher. Well, the next school year is starting here pretty soon and this new school year includes a new baby!

Here are a few of the things that have happened in our life this past year with Faustina:

- Faustina was born and I was a stay at home mother (and I absolutely love love love it!)

- I cared for little Isaac and then 2 more little ones as the year went on, Ella and Aidrich

- Mike learned a great deal from his Catholic studies courses at St. Thomas. Many nights he would come home from class (especially in the fall)and reiterate his fascinating classes to me and I learned a lot too! Of course, working at Trinity always stimulates the mind and involves intriguing conversations about education as well.

- This was the first year neither Mike or myself have been involved in either coaching or playing soccer!

- During February we learned that Grandma Lee's cancer was back. This has launched my parents and, in turn, me into a new world of learning about food and health. The Lord is good and he is at work in my mother's life.

- Mike went to Peru for 2 weeks

- Mike moved on from Trinity and he has a new position at St. Agnes

- We took a terrific 10 day trip to Michigan to visit Mike's family and were able to camp with Faustina for the first time

- And then there are all the memories of seeing Faustina grow into the lovely little girl she is. These moments are captured in pictures, but perhaps more vivid in Mike and my minds!

Mike and I were asked to be on a 'panel' at an engagement retreat this past weekend. And it was fun to reflect on where we were three years ago as we prepared for marriage and then to think of where we are now. Marriage is so wonderful - I love it! And having kids is....well, it is hard to capture in words and is really just something one has to experience because it is such an incredible blessing from the Lord!

The homestretch

I now have about 5 weeks left before this baby's due date. That may sounds like a long time to some people, but it is beginning to feel like it could be next week to me! The anticipation is fun, I love it.

Over the past few months and even now, I receive comments expressing surprise that I am so far along and am not showing very much. A few days ago a friend asked how I was feeling and her sister standing next to her said, "What? You're pregnant?" And then Mike told me to stand sidewise and she said, "Oooooohhhhh, I see it." Yes, the profile is quite obvious. I must admit, it has been nice to stay a bit smaller since I was able to fit into my own cloths longer and avoid (from my perspective the dreaded) maternity clothes. Even if I'm not showing as much as a person would expect, this baby IS coming soon!

Although the little bugger in here may be a bit smaller, s/he is a powerful little one. The past week the baby has taken to become incredibly active right around 10pm. It feels like there is a rock concert going on in my stomach. I have been getting up about 6-7 times a night to go to the bathroom or from the baby kicking, feeling plenty of braxtin-hicks contractions, sleeping is a bit more challenging, my back is a bit sore (making me aware of my poor posture!), and in general I am slowing down a bit. Nesting mode is here; although I do not have motivation to clean up and organize, it is weighing heavy on my mind to get things in order soon here. :)

Faustina's birth is VERY clear in my mind only being 14 months ago. And believe it or not, I am really quite excited for this birth. I had such a wonderful experience bringing her into the world that I would be lucky to duplicate that story; I understand, however, that each birth is so different and that is why I wait eagerly to see what will happen with this baby. I am excited for the birth itself, excited to meet this little person, anxious to find out the gender, curious to see how Faustina interacts with her new sibling, and in general thankful to the Lord for our expanding family.

This pregnancy has been so very different from my pregnancy with Faustina. I now understand why women love being pregnant! (I didn't understand that so much while carrying my little girl ;) This time around I haven't been sick at all, I have had cliche' cravings of eggs, hamburgers, ice cream - but they sure are real!, I love feeling the baby kick and move around now, and it has been great to do this a second time and have this something to compare this pregnancy to.

Although we're not planning on the baby coming early, we wouldn't be surprised since Faustina was about 2 weeks ahead of schedule. The 'when, where, how, gender, name' questions are all fun to think about since they are a mystery now. Soon, very soon, we'll have a second birth story to tell!

"The Invisible Mom" - a tribute to motherhood

Father Z. posted this, and it is stupendous.

"The Invisible Mom"
[comments and emphasis from the web site where I copied it]
by Anonymous

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’ Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude – but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England .. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals we have no record of their names.

[1] These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. [2] They made great sacrifices and [3] expected no credit. [4] The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.’ And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make everyday, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.’

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. [!]

When I really think about it, I don’t want my child to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna love it there.’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

He does it all (UPDATED with the truth revealed!)

Mike went to adoration last night from 12am-1am. Got up at 6am and took care of Faustina until 7am. He worked all day. Then he comes home and does errand/grocery shopping. And then he cooks dinner for everyone while he helps with Faustina! I appreciate all you do so much and you spoil me!



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Mike chimes in:

What she didn't tell you was that I was crabby when I got home too!

An interview: "7 Things Teenage Boys Most Need"

Interview With Spiritual Director of Adolescents

WASHINGTON, D.C., JAN. 13, 2009 (Zenit.org).- Being the parent of an adolescent boy is legendary for its difficulty. But according to one priest who acts as a spiritual director and confessor for high school boys, just keeping in mind seven points can make for a better relationship with adolescent sons.

Legionary of Christ Father Michael Sliney suggests the following seven necessities for parents of adolescent boys:

1. Clear guidelines with reasonable consequences from a unified front; cutting slack but also holding boys accountable for their actions.
2. Reasonable explanations for the criteria, guidelines and decisions made by parents.
3. Avoiding hyper-analysis of boys' emotions and states of mind: avoiding "taking their temperature" too often.
4. Unconditional love with an emphasis on character and effort more than outcome: Encourage boys to live up to their potential while having reasonable expectations. To love them regardless of whether they make it into Harvard or become a star quarterback.
5. Authenticity, faith and fidelity should be reflected in parent's lifestyles.
6. Qualities of a dad: Manliness, temperance, making significant time for family, putting aside work, and being a reliable source of guidance.
7. Qualities of a mom: Emotional stability, selflessness, loving service and extreme patience.

In this interview with ZENIT, Father Sliney takes a deeper look at the seven points.

Q: What are some of the particular characteristics of this age group that parents and educators need to bear in mind?

Father Sliney: Well, one of the first and most important points is to recognize that they are no longer kids. Up to age 12, they are still kids. But from 13 onward, puberty kicks in and there is a lot more sensitivity; they are more easily irritated and they want to be treated like a teen, not like a kid.

At this age, teenage boys are discovering their identities and going through a lot of turmoil. It's a very sensitive time, and we need to pray for them and dedicate time to them, show personal interest, try to understand what they're thinking.

Q: How can a parent find the balance between being clear, firm and yet flexible?

Father Sliney: Explain to your son in advance: These are the guidelines and these are the consequences. The consequences must be reasonable. Every parent has an atomic bomb he or she can pull out -- taking away the Internet, the cell phone, or the driver's license, or keeping their bedroom door open -- but everything needs to be done in a fair way, in due proportion. You can't surprise a kid with a negative punishment that doesn't correspond to what he did.

Don't let the kids feel like there is no hope or that they have totally lost your trust. Striking the balance between being firm and cutting them some slack is important.

Also, it is better to be emotionless and rational when you reprimand them or make a point. Don't throw salt in the wound by making a punishment into an emotional ordeal. If you're going to ground your kid, do it in a rational, non-emotional way. Be brief. In the end, boys respect it more.

Q: How can parents motivate their kids to do the right thing?

Father Sliney: Don't explain it so much in terms of "right" and "wrong," but in terms of "wise" and "wrong." Explain the reasons behind why something is wrong or right and frame your motivations in a positive way.

For example, instead of telling your son, "Don't become a drug addict," help him to see how resisting the temptation is a great way to forge his character. When the issue of premarital sex comes up, flip it around: Instead of saying, "It's a mortal sin" or "You might get a disease," help him to look forward to his future wife, and to think of what a great gift he could offer her if he waits for her.

Q: Why should parents avoid probing into their sons' emotional life?

Father Sliney: Boys don't like to be analyzed under a microscope. Sometimes the worst possible question a parent can ask is: "How are you doing today? How are you feeling? You look a little sad." Don't analyze their emotions and state of mind. Girls might like to talk about their feelings and emotions, but most boys don't. If they had a bad day, they don't want to talk about it because it makes them feel vulnerable and weak.

Q: Do teenage boys really feel a lot of pressure to perform up to their parents' standards?

Father Sliney: Yes, they do feel a lot of pressure and they are very sensitive when they feel judged by how they perform instead of by who they are. They need the love and esteem of their parents. Parents should put the emphasis on their kids' characters and on the effort they make, not necessarily on the result that comes out. If a kid is honest, generous, prayerful, trying hard in school, and is still a B student, he's doing his best, and he should be encouraged. It's important for parents to have reasonable expectations and to encourage each boy to live up to his potential.

Q: How important is the good example of the parents?

Father Sliney: It is extremely important. We all hyper-analyze our parents and observe the example they set in all areas: If they are practicing what they preach, if they are faithful to each other, etc. High school is a very tumultuous, unstable time for boys. If these qualities of fidelity and authenticity are not there, and if there is not a stable, happy marriage, it's chaos. Troubled kids generally come from dysfunctional or broken families. Here we see the importance of a great marriage: If that's in place, you've got a pretty good chance of a teenager getting through in good shape. There are not too many cases of parents who've got it together having dysfunctional kids.

Q: Can you expand on the importance of the dad's role in relation to his son?

Father Sliney: Kids, especially in high school, need to spend time with their dad, doing things together. This time together creates a space for him to open up and talk if he wants to. Take him out to breakfast or out to a game. Look for ways that he would want to do something with you. Dads need to get personally involved with their sons and dedicate time especially to their more difficult kids. Making little gestures of kindness is so important. My dad used to stop in every night before going to bed. He showed me he cared by asking how I was doing with my homework, how things were going. It was just a quick gesture but it was very helpful.

We're living in a very feminized culture, so dads need to teach their sons what true masculinity is all about. Being masculine doesn't mean being a tough football player and lifting weights. Manliness means strong character, self-control, quiet strength, and getting through adversity without whining. Kids need to see the example of what it means to be a man in their dad. It's about having an internal toughness, not complaining, and not letting others tell you what to do. You're the man of the house, you think about things, and you have things under control.

If you're living an authentic life, it comes across. One time when I was a kid, we got a pretty serious tornado warning while we were out in the yard, cleaning up. My dad went to each one of us: He was calm, in control, and he knew what needed to be done. Once we were all in the basement, he was at peace, having a good conversation with us. He was a calming force, full of confidence and authenticity.

And dads need to be a reliable source of guidance because high school kids are looking for words of wisdom. Kids are looking for advice from the one they love. Dads need to be available, but also offer. Kids shouldn't be intimidated or afraid to approach their dad for advice.
Read the rest here.