I never thought I would be 'that' mother who had a 'soft' side to her; the kind of mother who goes to a child's piano recital and crys - you know what I mean.
Well, I haven't done
that (yet!). But, I have noticed over the past year or so that when I read to Faustina at night - there are many many times when I will almost choke up when I am reading to her, and it often takes me by surprise!
It started about a year ago. At this time, I was just beginning to read books to Faustina that had more substance. Books would talk about family relationships, mother-child relationships and we always read at least one book a night before she goes to bed about God or the Saints. At first I explained it away telling myself that I was more emotional since having lost my own Mother. But, at this point, that is not the whole story.
There really is something that happens in a womans' body and psyche when she has children - she is changed forever! I am sure this 'motherhood sensitivity' as I am calling it manifests itself differently in each individual. I find that I am more sensitive to other mothers, I look at my own childhood differently (now from the adults/parents' perspective), hormones are (literally) different, there is the protective love for your child that you would do anything for your little person. It really is quite amazing. It is no mistake we are made that way - God knew what he was doing!
It reminds me of a situation I encountered when I lived in Seattle. I got to know a woman very well who was 36 years old at the time. She always lived alone, was very outgoing, liked men a lot but never wanted to get married and never wanted to have children. On her birthday when she was turning 37 I was eating lunch with her in her office. I forget exactly how we got into this conversation but she looked at me and she said, "Ya know, last year since I turned 36 years old, I have wanted to have a child
so badly." And she started to tear up. She went on to explain to me that she was not even in love with a particular man, and she tried to use her intellect to reason herself OUT of wanting a child. But everything in her wanted to give birth to a child, care for a baby, and raise a little person. It really was a fascinating conversation. Not to say all women are to have children, but God truly made women a certain way - and that is a grace.
Two nights ago I was reading Faustina a story about how during one of Saint Thomas Aquinas' prayer times' Jesus spoke to him from the cross and said he was pleased with Thomas' writings. Jesus asked him what he would like in return. Of course, Aquinas responded, "Only you Lord". I choked up a bit. Faustina noticed and looked up at me. She asked me, "What are you thinking about, Mama?" She was wondering what in the world was wrong with me! Well, it was just one of those times. All mothers have them.
