On Sunday it will be six months since Mom died. I have said several times to people that it seems both like a short time ago and just yesterday that we were caring for Mom in September. But, no, now it just seems like a long time ago. Faustina and Jude are so young and changing every day - literally - it seems forever ago that Jude was born or when Faustina was not talking.
Tuesdays at midnight I go to adoration at Lumen Christi, and the Lord seems to use this quiet hour as a more intense grieving time for me. Each week, there seems to be something unique that happens during adoration that brings emotions flooding back. A few weeks ago there was a book laying out on one of the kneelers titled "101 things for Grandma and Grandpa to do with their Grandchildren". This is exactly the type of book that my Mom would have at their house;, she would have loved and used it. She lived for her grandkids and just wanted to be their Grandma and spend time with them! Why in the world was this book in the adoration chapel staring me in the face? Who knows.
I was reflecting last night on this Lenten season and thinking about all the countless blessings I have and how it is difficult to be disciplined and be sacrificial during this season. Even when I AM disciplined and give some things up, I still live like a queen. And then my very next thought was of Mom and how much I miss her and I broke down. As I prayed the rosary one of the mysteries is Jesus carrying the cross and I thought of how Mom looked as she was dying and how she died on the feast of The Triumph of the Cross. Perhaps this lenten season is going to be mainly a grieving time for me as I miss her.
This strange life is such a paradox. You need to lay down your life to gain it. You need to be last in order to be first. In the big picture, our salvation story is clear in black and white, yet life often seems gray and hazy with decisions every day. As I love each day of my earthly life so much, there is something in me that yearns for eternal life. Time keeps flying by yet somehow I seem stuck back in the fall. As my heart aches because I miss Mom so much I am joyful as I imagine her in heaven. As corny as that sounds (I am not a corny person!), I really do have a vivid picture of her in heaven. These are all paradoxes. They do not make any sense from a purely human perspective. Somehow, thank goodness, they so make some sense as I try and grapple with them from a Godly and eternal perspective.
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