Another December 30th come and gone

December 30th would have been my Mom's 68th birthday.

Boy, do I miss her!

It is true that I continue to think about her every day. And yes, I am sad when I think about missing her. But, ultimately, (and thankfully!) there has been only a mysterious redemptive goodness that has resulted from her death - for me anyway. What does that mean? What is a redemptive goodness? Well, I just made that up, so it probably doesn't mean anything technically. But, I am regularly shocked at how much I have learned and grown from my Mom's death. It has brought great suffering for me and my immediate family. I think it is fair to say it has brought a lot of brokenness. Her absence is an incredibly hole.

But that is okay. Because that is life. Suffering brings an opportunity for God to work.  For me, I have had the opportunity to let God fill that hole. Suffering truly is redemptive. Suffering is an incredibly paradox - and I am not sure it makes sense until a person has experienced it in a grace filled way.

On September 14th, I spent a lot of time at the cemetery. I really really like being at the cemetery. I don't find it gloomy. I don't at all find it dreary to think about death. Heck, we are all getting older every day and I think it is necessary to think about it! I'm going to spend the rest of infinity on the other side of this life - I want to get this one right so that I go to the good place!! So, I love walking around the cemetery. I love sitting quietly by my Mom's grave. It is peaceful. It is sobering. It is very real. And it forces me to reflect on my present life and it makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to love and serve people better each day. Yikes....I can only hope and pray for grace that I may do so.

So, anyway. None of these thoughts are new to the world. None of them are novel. When realty hits me each day I see how God is working in my life - these old timeless truths strike me in a different way and I understand another angle on life's prism. But, when I write these things out (I'm not a good writer), they sound pretty cliche.

I miss Mom. But more than missing her, I find myself more and more and MORE grateful each day for who she was, for her friendship, for her motherhood, for her daily sacrifices. She continues to inspire me. I am so lucky to have had her for as long as I did! And I am so lucky that I can ask her to intercede for me and pray for our family daily.

There is a grave stone right next to my Mom's that I absolutely love. Here is a picture of it. I think it captures everything about my Mom to a tee. I'm glad it is right next to  hers so I can see it so often.

Here I am with Agatha on Sept. 14th. We were here for a couple hours and then Lizzia ended up coming out too so we could for and chatted for a bit. It was a beautiful day!

And now, here we are in 2014 already! The journey continues!