Changes

It has now been 10 days since my Mom left us. Somehow, I know things will be okay in the long run, but that knowledge doesn't make the present any easier. And, frankly, I think it will get harder before it easier as the reality of my Mom being gone sets in. Right now it seems like she could just be on a vacation. But I know I will miss her even more as the weeks, months and years come and I look for her phone calls, have cooking questions, go over to my parents house and want to say hi to her in her kitchen, as I leave their house and look at the door to see her waving goodbye (she always stood there and waved goodbye for as long as we could see her as we drove away), as my kids get older, and as birthdays and holidays come, and the list goes on.

I keep thinking how my Mom really was my mother until the very day she died. The other night in my dreams I relived when I was in the hospital after I had Jude. When I woke up from surgery, the first face I saw was my Mom standing by my bedside. I saw her even before Mike since he was with Jude. My Mom comforted me and talked to the doctor. She told the doctor all the injuries I had in the past, if I was allergic to anything, she knew when I had some of my last shots. She was taking care of me and everything would be okay. I was her daughter and she knew me better than anyone! She not only knew my physical history to tell the doctor in that instance in the hospital, but she just knew me inside and out! She knew my personality, likes, dislikes, aspirations, my experiences, just about everything.

Now, life really has changed forever. A new chapter has started in my life and in my family's life. Again, the Lord will provide - but it will never quite be the same. To me, life does not feel as safe or comfortable. As I was talking with Mike, he said it is kind of like I (and my siblings) are orphaned. And it really does feel like that. A mother and father have unique roles, and one can never totally fill those shoes. That is just the way life is. God created family to have unexplainable bonds; and I know how incredibly powerful that mother-daughter relationship is as I now feel that huge void.

Mom was always building us kids up. She was constantly telling us how special we were, praising us for our achievements, telling us how proud she was of us, and showing us how much she loved us in the hundreds of different ways she served us. A few days before Mom's health turned seriously bad, as I was helping her with some of health routines she told me how I missed my calling as a nurse (of that I am not convinced) and then she rattled off a list of all the things she thought I was good at. She was just being a Mom...even when she herself was so ill and feeling terrible.

I was able to spend a lot of time with Mom the last month of her life as I slept overnight there her last 4 weeks and was there 24/7 the last week. For that I am so so grateful. About 3 days before Mom was unable to walk she surprised me and put together this vase of roses for me; I took a picture of them because they were so absolutely beautiful. She already was having a hard time walking with her cane and I bet she probably spent over an hour walking out to the backyard, cutting these roses from her rose bush, finding the blue vase, filling it with water, and packaging it in a box with newspaper for me to bring home. She did it as a labor of love for me because she knew how much I love flowers. That is just the way she was.



I am so lucky to have had such an amazing woman as a mother. And I am so thankful for the close relationship we had. Besides being my mother, she really was my best friend. I will always have her as an example of how to be a good mother, and I only hope I can try to emulate her as best I can.