On Ash Wednesday, I simply could not get last year's Ash Wednesday off of my mind. Last year Mike, Faustina and I went to mass at the Cathedral with Mom, Dad, and Travis. Mom's illness hung very heavy on all of our hearts and I remember having many tears throughout the mass. Afterwards, we all went back to my parent's place and ate the delicious but simple lentil soup my Mom had made. At the table Mom held Faustina in a cute yellow dress. Travis was telling us about his lenten sacrifices (if you think I am extreme, I am nothing next to my dear brother!) and we had a conversation about the seven deadly sins. During all of lent last year my Mom often told me how she truly felt in the desert. She said she didn't know how this journey was going to end for her, and although it was good because she trusted the Lord was near, it was extremely difficult and she felt alone.
I went out to the cemetery a few days ago and trod out to where my Mom is. There is a messy path that goes out to the site. I was trying to be careful as I walked out there since I was wearing Keen's (basically glorified sandals, real smart), and finally just started plowing through the snow not caring. As I was walking out to the site, I thought about how she would tell me how she felt alone 'in the desert' last lent and I thought how I felt alone at that moment (missing her) at the cemetery. As I looked around the cemetery, it had a 'desert' like feel to it for me. I ended up saying a prayer and writing a message in the snow to Mom.
This lent so far, for whatever reason, I have had a heightened awareness of the Lord being near. Even the smallest decisions I make I find myself stopping and thinking, "It does matter what I do right now and what I think. What would the Lord have me do? Even though no one else knows, it does matter." Perhaps that sounds ridiculous or overly pious, but I believe that type of thinking reflects how I have come to think of my Mom's absence the past 5 months. Obviously, my Mom was human and God is God. But as my Mom has been gone - I MISS her! And I often think about what she taught me over the years, she taught me what is important, she modeled how to serve others, she modeled how to love well, how to laugh, how to listen etc and I want to do those things. As I feel her absence, I also feel her presence while I try to enact truth she taught me. And I have a heightened awareness of the Lord in that same way thus far this lent. I am thankful for that awareness and I know it is a blessing, and I may not always have that.
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