Two months

I took this photo from my Dad's blog. I love it. Dad said she was a senior in highschool and she is so pretty! He has been posting all kinds of pictures from when my Mom was younger and I am so proud of her.

Mom died 2 months ago today and although I know it is real....it still really does not seem like it. I miss her more and new things keep coming up that make me miss her more. I find that when I am occupied and busy I feel like I am fine and I can rationalize Mom being gone a bit. When I have more 'thinking' time, especially when I am driving in the car, I often find fresh tears rolling down my cheeks. Things come up that I want to talk to her about. I don't really wonder how she would respond to different situations, people, or events - because I think I know how she would. But I want her to be there and interact with her. I want to experience her and I want my kids to know her. I find that when I am sitting talking to my Dad at his house, my mind tells me how she would respond to the conversation; I hear her voice, I see her facial expressions, I look over to see her sitting on the couch. She might as well be in the other room. It is all so familiar.

I find myself very aware of friends or other people talking about their Mothers. And it just does not seem fair for women so much older than me to still have that privilege. Of course, I know that is wrong thinking, but it makes me think of all the things I will miss experiencing with her and makes me sad.

I have only gone to Resurrection Cemetery once: on All Soul's Day. It was a blustery day. Travis had a put a pumpkin and some kale from the garden there. Dad had left Halloween candy. I had Faustina and Jude there and it was fairly surreal. I felt like I could picture Mom looking down on us all from a bird's eye view. Faustina took the candy Dad had put there and starting running away. I started laughing because I immediately thought of how Mom would have reacted. I know she would have laughed and not minded Faustina stealing her candy. I don't think of Mom residing there at the cemetery, it is hard to explain, but I think of her everywhere now.

It just is hard. There is no way around it. I went to mass on November 2nd, All Souls Day. The priest said something to the effect that everyday should be All Soul's Day because it reminds us of heaven. And, really, heaven is our goal. We're running the race here on earth, and heaven is the prize. And I DO think about heaven a lot now! I guess that is a good thing. Especially since I moved back from Seattle years ago, Mom and I were always in such close communication that I would often think to myself, "Where is Mom now? Is she at women's group? Is she at home? Is she out with Dad?" I actually usually knew where she was. And now I think the same thing. Where is she? I know she is somewhere - and I know (as much as we can know anything about the afterlife) she is in a better place than we are...but what is that like?? These are questions that can't be answered anytime soon. All I can do is pray that the Lord continues to give strength.