Perspectives

Death is a strange, strange thing. I have never lost anyone really really close to me. Since my Mom has passed away, only 4 short weeks ago, I am somewhat dumbfounded by all the feelings of loss, confusion, emptiness, sadness, and change mixed with the reality of prayer, God's grace, mystery, heaven and eternity.

At this point, emotions are in a 'teeter-toter' stage. Intellectually, I know things will be okay in the long run. But, pretty much at any time I can break down in tears thinking about my Mom. I miss her, a lot. At this point, it is just something I think I need to 'muscle through', and hopefully it will get easier.

My perspective on life has certainly changed forever. Life will never be the same for me and I won't look at it the same way. The reality of how short life is and the importance of everything we do is staring me in the face. Mom's death makes me want to be a better person. Her death has opened my eyes to how short life is and more importantly how long eternity is! I like C.S. Lewis' book "The Great Divorce" and his suggestion that the kind of relationship we cultivate with God here on earth reflects how close to him we will be to him for eternity. I want to live life here on earth to please God because I love him, so that I can spend eternity with him and hopefully live eternity with my Mother! It is wierd, in some unexplainable way, my Mother's death has detached me from this world. That may sound bad, but it actually is a grace because my perspective has shifted to trying to see life from an eternal perspective.

Looking back on the 7 months my Mom was sick, it is interesting to put pieces together and see what God was doing. And looking back on this past year, it is crystal clear that God was very in charge and everything happened with his purpose. The very first thing that happened for me was 2 weeks before we found out Mom's cancer was back. It was a Thursday night in January; I was taking a bath and saying the rosary because I was having morning sickness with my pregnancy. The Lord put Mom's health (something I never worried about) on my heart and I just knew I needed to start praying for Mom. So I did, I said the rosary for her that night. And then 2 weeks later we found out her cancer was back. I was devastated. As I think about it now, the Lord was preparing me for the coming events. The second time the Lord was preparing me was during July one day as I was driving home from my parent's place. I was marveling how great my mother was and I thought to myself, "Mom truly is a saintly person and she only inspires me to be a more godly individual. If Mom doesn't make it, somehow it will be okay."

During the whole time, we prayed for healing and we were very optimistic that God would heal Mom. We had to genuinely believe - and we really really DID believe! Up to the last day, I believed in my heart of hearts that God could or would heal Mom. It was the centurion's faith that healed his son. In fact, it was hard for my Mom to be around people who did not believe.

As much as we strive to have 'God's perspective', it is often difficult to discern what he is doing in the present time. I think all we can do is pray a lot, do our best to follow his commandments, and be open to hearing his voice. God's perspective is mysterious to us as humans. It just is, we don't get it; and, I guess, we shouldn't need to have everything figured out. As long as we are faithful and obedient, well, somehow it will be okay.